How Does My Garden Grow?

I'm not what you'd call outdoorsy. I don't like to get dirty, I have no interest in maintaining anything outside that needs tending, and I don't enjoy sweating. As you can probably guess, I am not a gardener. I have many friends who enjoy the springtime ritual of digging their fingers into the newly awakened soil and revel in the midwifery of a leafy new birth. Don't get me wrong -- I love to look at beautiful flowers and would love nothing more than to have a gorgeously manicured yard with bright blooms artfully arranged with rocks, fountains, and whatnot; I just don't want to be the one planting and arranging the whatnot.

However, if I were highly motivated by the possibilities of the harvest of my choice, I may just rethink my desire to dig around in the dirt for a bit. Here is some of the bounty I'd like to produce in my magical garden:

• Rows and rows of gin and tonics, already infused with fresh lime

• Cheesecake -- I'd have a section of plain and a section of blueberry

• Kittens -- can't you just see fuzzy little kitty babies, just ripe for the pickin'? They'd grow Cabbage Patch Kid-style...just less creepy-looking

• AA batteries -- it seems like I always need them and never have them

• Bacon -- I'd choose the thick sliced, applewood-smoked variety. How nice would it be to wander down to the garden and pick some fresh breakfast?

• Enchanted fruit whose seeds give me extra patience when dealing with matters of teenage children

Maybe I'll start a community garden or CSA; let me know if you are interested....and alert me if you have any connections on where I can purchase some of these magical seeds. I'll compensate you with some freshly grown gin and tonics and bacon.