Cookie-Eating Skillz for Hire

My husband is currently in a job-hunt situation so I've been recently reflecting on resumes. If you know much about me, you know that once my imagination takes off, there's no predicting on what sort of cracked runway it will land. Such is the case with my current mind-doodles regarding resumes. I began visualizing what my sampling of skill set would look like on paper... if I were really honest about them all. Should I select to share the true talents in which I excel, here's how they might appear on a resume:

Many years' experience co-sleeping with multiple cats (This tells them about my fantastic flexibility.)

Ability to easily devour an entire sleeve of frozen Thin Mints in one sitting (This represents substantial stamina and minty breath.)

Extraordinary consistency in leaving Target with more in the shopping bag than was originally on my list (Big thinker? I believe so.)

Talent for tuning out squabbling siblings in the back seat of my vehicle (My focus is unparalleled!)

Can (and does) sing the theme songs to a variety of old TV shows (e.g., The Jeffersons, The Facts of Life, and The Love Boat) (This demonstrates my excellent memory and ability communicate with others in unusual ways.)

Unique capability to allow pesky weeds to remain unpulled and grow happily among the flowers in the garden (Wow - I remain unruffled and relaxed even when I'm "in the weeds!")

Honors/Awards include: Pro status on Wii bowling, Queen of the Carpool, and Her Highness of the Hairball Hygiene

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Please let me know if you'd like to schedule an interview; but wait until after 2pm -- I'm about to eat some Thin Mints and nap with the cats.